A Day at Creationland

by

Spencer Pate

 

 

"Welcome to CreationLand! Get your Last Supper coffee mugs at CreationLand! Buy your ‘Man + Woman = Marriage’ bumper stickers! Stock up on Creationist books for the whole family!” The vendor at the entrance to CreationLand shared in our
excitement. After a ten-hour car ride and a night’s stay in the CreationLand themed hotel, we were ready to see the park on its opening day. There were so many things to do - the train ride through the Garden of Eden, the Noah’s Ark show, and the Judgment Day Laser Spectacular. There were also the Creation Museum and the many gift shops full of
commemorative books, posters, and stuffed animals. As the principal at a public school, I would be able to spread God’s word and the message of creation even more effectively. Thank God for the Republicans! Without them, evolution would still be taught at school.

At the entrance to CreationLand was a huge statue of Jesus with his arms outstretched. At the stroke of eight, the gates between his legs opened and we all poured through. The park’s most popular attraction was sure to be the Garden of Eden ride, and we wanted to be sure to see that first before the lines formed. After the operators took our tickets, we
settled into our seats and the train took off. To our left, a tall Caucasian man with a flowing white beard was scooping up clay and forming it into a man. Of course, this depiction of God was only an animatronic model. I’m sure that our true heavenly father was smiling down from above at CreationLand. A little bit further on were Adam and Eve, with their naughty bits discreetly concealed by vegetation. Naturally, sex education has been stricken from the curriculum, along with any books in the school library that
might contain naked statues.

Dinosaurs were frolicking around Adam and Eve and consuming only vegetation, since eating meat didn’t come until after the Fall, despite the dinosaurs’ very sharp teeth. Past the dinosaurs was the scene where Eve, that foolish woman, was tempted by the snake. Then came the fateful moment when she told Adam to take a bite of the apple. An animatronic God came into the scene and cast Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for their sin. After that, everything went to pieces - animals started eating each other, Adam and Eve were ashamed of their nakedness, and women had to start giving birth (which serves them right). Once the ride stopped, we exited and walked to the Judgment Day Laser Spectacular. The 3D animation was mind-blowing - you could actually see God casting sinners and nonbelievers into the pit of hell for all eternity. In the next scene of the show, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson ascended intoheaven, taking the true Christians with them.

The Noah’s Ark show was one of the highlights of CreationLand. In it, trained professionals who have studied Creation science explained how the Bible is not just a story. They showed us how the billions of animals of Earth fit in a wooden box about as
large as a football field without eating each other. They also showed that the fossil record can be explained away by hydrostatic sorting during the flood and that radiocarbon dating is really inaccurate even though it has a consistently measurable half-
life. After all, how can anything be considered science if it does not confirm the Bible’s six-thousand year history of Earth? If the Bible says that God exists, then we should believe the Bible since it was divinely inspired.

Sadly, there are always people who have to deny God’s word. A man in the audience stood up and pointed out that believing in God because the Bible says so and that believing in the Bible because it is God’s word is circular logic. The presenters called
him a sinner and radioed security. The man asked why Creationists are afraid of debate, and the people in charge of the show rightly said that God must exist because everything has to have a cause. The man said that Creationism is unscientific, because it rejects
natural causes and substitutes the supernatural. And the ultimate blasphemy that passed his lips was saying that there is nothing wrong with following Jesus’ teachings while believing that the Biblical creation story is only a myth. Security came in and dragged the man out while he was shouting that Creationists need to wake up to reality. I will
pray for that man to be led out of his immoral atheistic ways. Luckily, atheism has almost been eliminated, along with all the evils that go with it - homosexuality, abortion, euthanasia, women’s rights, socialism, humanism, tolerance for other religions, and Michael Moore.

After the presentation we had a group prayer for Rick Santorum and went outside. My family’s next stop was the gift shop, chock full of books like Evolution: The Lie and The Concerned Citizen’s Guide to Censorship. There were lots of hilarious bumper
stickers too, like “It’s Time for Another Crusade” and “My God Can Beat Up Your God.” I made sure to buy lots of books for the teachers at my school, especially art books that had clothing superimposed on all the naked statues and paintings. There were also several sets of encyclopedias with the sections on evolution and human reproduction excised. We wouldn’t want a sweet, innocent child to come upon smut like that.

The sun was setting as we walked back out through Jesus’ legs to the parking lot. Someday, there will be many parks like CreationLand. I hope that I will be able to take my school to a place like CreationLand so that everyone can have fun, while learning how everyone but Christians will suffer endless punishment. A little fear isn’t always a bad thing. As we reached the car, I looked up to the heavens, where the sun was reaching the end of its orbit around Earth and where God was smiling down at all of us
Creationists.

 

 

Spencer Pate, on this story:

"Science is very important to me, and it dismays me that pseudoscientific ideas like creationism and intelligent design are being accepted as science. The inspiration for this story was a $25 million creation museum that is being built close to where I live. I just took that idea to its logical extreme . . ."

 

AT notes: In December 2005 and February 2006 I published essays by Spencer, so if this story appeared here at all, it should have been quite some time in the future. Instead, I could hardly wait.

 

Read:

A Rebirth of the Imagination

and

Night of the Living Crickets